What is friendship? 

It is important to begin by identifying what friendship is not. Friendship is a not a relationship based upon the consumer-vendor model. In a consumer-vendor relationship, the consumer wants something, and the vendor provides it.  We stay in this type of relationship as long as the other person is meeting our needs. If someone offers a better return, we have no obligation to say with that vendor. We committed to the product, not the person, and therefore, move from person to person ensuring our needs are met.  

In the realm of business, this is a completely acceptable type of relationship; however, the moment this type of interaction permeates our friendships, we have a problem.  Most researchers now acknowledge that the business model is the predominant model in all our relationships from family, to friendship, to marriage. 

This consumer-vendor model has led to a lack of depth in relationship. The lack of commitment and vulnerability implicit in a business relationship has rendered our friendships shallow. We have become guarded, content to merely hang out without allowing others access to who we really are.  We do not even think about wanting to go down deep. Why? Because consumers carefully control what others see. We spin how we come across, through our clothes, through how we act, through what we say, through whom we associate with.  

True, open, vulnerable friendship stands in sharp contrast to the uncommitted, shallow, business-minded model of relationships evident today.  

First, true friendship cannot be consumerist in nature, it must be covenantal—that is promised based. Biblically, we can look to the relationship between David and Jonathan. In I Samuel 18:3, Jonathan makes a covenant with David. The opposite of a consumer-based relationship is a covenantal based one. In a covenantal relationship, you are in it not as means to an end, but because the relationship in and of itself is the goal.  A covenant is a promise.  In a covenantal relationship, your needs come second to your responsibility to the other person. Jonathan desired David’s success and growth above his own. Jonathan valued David’s life and David’s kingship over his own.   

Second, true friendship is marked by license and vulnerability. I Samuel 18:1 states,  “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” Jonathan granted David access to the depths of who he was. He was not guarded and controlling. He was open and free. The “knit soul” model is the opposite of the consumer-vendor model. This oneness flows out of a covenantal relationship and strips away all fear. Do you have these kinds of relationships? Do you let people see you when your life is not put together? When you are not dressed up? Do you let your friends see the cracks? Do you allow them to speak into your life? Do you allow them to challenge you? 
 

Finally, true friendship is marked by a common passion—something over which you can relate.  David and Jonathan had a common passion. They both wanted to see David as king. They both wanted to see the other live and not be killed. This is a similar passion—a similar goal. David and Jonathan were united over the Lord’s desire for their respective lives. Do you friendships help to mold you and the other person into the men and women the Lord intended you to be? 

This type of relationship, however, is frightening. It is hard to be open. It is hard to be committed to someone through thick and thin. How are we able to love in this way? 

This is where Christianity is unique in the way it frees us to have deep meaningful relationships; whereas, other faiths often leave us sputtering. Every other faith basically asserts that you have to earn your place in life—that you have to work to attain God’s favor or reach harmony. This establishes a consumer-vendor relationship with others as we "do" in order to achieve---to get. Christianity; however, reveals that God established a covenant relationship with his people before they did one thing---and if anything, they did not deserve this covenant relationship.

This covenantal relationship with God is what allowed Jonathan to enter into a covenant with David. This is what freed Jonathan to strip himself of his robe, his kingly status, and hand it willingly to David. This is what freed Jonathan to divest himself of his sword, his livelihood, and lay it in David’s hands. He made a promise, and he stripped himself of all his worth so that David could be king. That is friendship. That is faithfulness. Through this covenantal act, the line of David was established—the line that would usher in the true King. 

If the God of the Bible has existed as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit in perfect relationship for all eternity, then He is a God who is relational at His core. If we are made in His image, then it follows that we are meant to be in relationship.  

We are free to have meaningful relationships because the true King took off his robe for us. He gave us his sword. He lay down his life to ensure that we might live. We are part of the ultimate covenantal relationship—the ultimate friendship; therefore, we have the ability to care for others in the same way—to make promises even when it is hard—because the God of the universe through Jesus made that same promise to us. 

If you are afraid to be vulnerable with others you have to see how Jesus was naked and vulnerable for us on the cross. That will enable you to go the extra mile to do so. Without Christ at the core, our relationships with others will most likely be self-serving. With Him at our core; however, we can serve others and care for others even if they do not give us much in return because what we really need is already given to us in the person of Christ. Word.