Proverbs 5

¹⁵ Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. ¹⁶ Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? ¹⁷ Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. ¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. ¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. 

After three weeks of exploring our need for relationships and the need for forgiveness implicit in strong relationships, this week, we turn the corner and begin to look at romantic relationships. In an op-ed piece from USA Today, Laura Vanderkam compares the contemporary approach to romantic relationships to that of how we view relationships. According to Vanderkam, romance is on the decline not only because of the abundance of choice before us, but also because we have become accustomed to control and customization.   

Before continuing, it is important to define romance. Is romance something physical? Is it something emotional? It is material? Is it sexual intimacy? What does it mean? Polls reveal that over 80% of the students polled around the country agree that romance and sexual intimacy are not the same. In the book Sex and the Soul, the author found that Christian and religious students tend to separate romance and sexual intimacy as a way to maintain purity and to avoid sexual desire. Conversely, students who do not consider themselves to be religious, divide romance and sexual intimacy because of the pervasive "hook up" culture. It is simply easier to enter into sexual relationships without having to connect on a deeper level. Interestingly, both conservative and non-conservative students are in accord with defining romance as talking with their partner for long periods of time. Romance, as defined by students is simply getting to know one another while spending time face to face.  

This begs the question: what then is the Bible's take on romance? Proverbs 5:15-19 combines does not separate sexual intimacy and romance, but instead links them in the context of a committed marriage relationship. Through the use of poetic Hebrew metaphor, Proverbs 5:15-19 describe an erotic view of romance. In Hebrew, poetry cisterns were always an image for female sexuality. You have to go into the cisterns and down into the well to get the water out. On the other hand, the writer says, "May your fountain be blessed"—this is not water you go down in and get, but this water spurts out—obviously a vivid image of male sexuality.  

Proverbs, however, does not leave us only with sexually charged metaphors. The repetitive use of the possessive tense serves to fuse the sexuality with commitment. There is an implied safety to a committed, permanent relationship. We crave this safety because the knowledge that we will never be left leaves us with the ability to be vulnerable. We can be truly known because we feel secure. Biblically, a relationship can only be truly romantic when friendship (emotional closeness) and sexuality are fused through commitment.  

If you lose one of these components, the relationship disintegrates. If you remove friendship, or the emotional closeness, the sexual relationship can only last so long. If you remove the sexual component, the friendship/commitment becomes challenging because there is no physical reinforcement. If you have friendship and sex without commitment to each other, you are always unsure if this is the last time, which breeds insecurity. Proverbs gets it right. Romance works when everything is kept together, but it falls apart when we attempt to compartmentalize.  

Without jumping too far ahead, it is important to remember that even when all of the components are present, relationships are still challenging. We must recognize that relationships are not primarily about our personal fulfillment, but are instead about commitment to the growth of the other person. Lewis Smedes wrote, "My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were married, and each of the five was me." Relationships change us. They are challenging because people are flawed, and bring those flaws to those relationships A true romantic relationship is one in which both people spend a lifetime learning how to love the other. As we remember that Jesus loved us even when we were strangers from him and that Jesus has been and forever will be committed to us, we will then be able to truly love and be committed to others.